“Beware of isolation; beware of the idea that you have to develop a holy life alone. It is impossible to develop a holy life alone; you will develop into an oddity and a peculiarism, into something utterly unlike what God wants you to be. The only way to develop spiritually is to go into the society of God’s own children, and you will soon find how God alters your set. God does not contradict our social instincts; He alters them.”—Oswald Chambers (via hisstorythroughmine)
I have a brother. I hardly hear from him. When I do, he carries the conversation - he talks and talks and talks and I think he just needs someone to listen. So I listen politely.
I don’t call him anymore. I really needed him a couple times. I called and cried and begged for his help. He would not give it.
So. I don’t call. Last few times I did, he told me he was in the middle of something and he’d call back. But he never did.
So the phone rings today and he has a long list of questions for me. All about my sweet baby boy. I finally ask if he is writing up a report of some sort. He then commences talking and talking and talking again. About international calls and overseas Internet. Tells me that it’s free - all I need is an Ipad - like they hang free from the trees.
I tell him I’m glad his family is doing well. I wish him a lovely day. I’m relieved when the call is over.
And I’m angry.
He only knows about my sweet baby boy’s trip from other people. He doesn’t talk to me about anything in my life. He gossips with others about me. Then - out of the blue - he calls and feigns concern and interest. It seems a morbid, vapid curiosity and I’m choking on it.
This is an unhealthy thing. I am at war. I rationally understand I perhaps missed an opportunity to model Christian charity. Again. And. I wearily yet valiantly maintain it would not matter. I am not a factor in the equation of his life.
Honestly. I know.
I know. It does not matter if I am or not. I missed it again. And realize I’m mad because I got mad.
I thank you God for all those who you bring to my life who manage with your grace to not be mad at me. I thank you Jesus and weep, for the pain you bore on my behalf. I beg the Holy Spirit comes to me and continues to rail against all that is in me that is not of Him.